Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
