Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
