I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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