Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
