I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
