i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
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How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
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My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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