i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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