Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
