I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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