everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
