I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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