Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She bit a glass in half.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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