the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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