Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
