none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
