I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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