I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
