There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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