im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
