Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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