i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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