oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
