I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
