How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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