I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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