ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
