Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
