I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
