Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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