When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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