I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
