Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Randomize
