Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
