Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
