This girl is more easily done than said...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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