just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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