I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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