this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
