if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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