I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
