Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
No...this little piggys going to the bar
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
