My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
