I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
