If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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