hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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