I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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