I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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