1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
