why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
