I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
