I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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