"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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