hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
