You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
