Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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