i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
