she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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