Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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