they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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