Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
