I puked a lego.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize