if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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